The Day Before the Day After
(in order of appearance)
NANCY PELOSI Speaker of the house
JOE BIDEN President
KAMALA HARRIS Vice President
KAITLEN COLLINS a newscaster
MITCH McCONNELL Senator
BERNIE SANDERS Senator
JAKE TAPPER a talking head
VAN JONES news analyst
RANA FOROOHAR economic expert
NANCY PELOSI is standing at a lectern with JOE BIDEN seated behind her to one side. On the other side is seated KAMALA HARRIS with a fixed smile on her face. During this entire scene, her smile doesn’t change.
Ladies and gentlemen, honorable members of the House of Representatives and the Senate of the United States of America, I am honored to present to you the President of the United States – President Joe Biden.
BIDEN approaches the lectern and PELOSI takes a seat behind and to the left of him.
Honorable members of the United States Senate and of the House of Representatives, it is my honor to appear before you as one of your own and to present to you the state of the union, as one who stands with you, all of you, Republicrat, er I mean Republican and Democrat alike…”
A scraping of chairs on the floor can be heard and even a few whistles and catcalls. BIDEN’s mouth continues to move but no sound comes out.
The steps in front of the Senate. Dozens of people dressed in suits and ties come marching out. They are intermittently chanting “No more years!” In between the chants dry hacking coughs can be heard. None are wearing masks and a few are in wheelchairs or using walkers. One is being wheeled out on a gurney.
To the side, a breathless newscaster is standing. She is dressed in total protective gear from head to toe and is wearing the logo of Cable News Network. She has a name tag Kaitlin Collins on her chest. Above her on the wall is a clock showing the time as being 9:15 a.m.
We are standing outside the chamber of the House of Representatives at which President Biden made his first presentation to a joint session of congress – his State of the Union address – here on February 30, 2021. In an action that is unprecedented in all of US history, nearly the entire Republican delegation has walked out.
At this point, one of the marchers passes her by and pastes Commie over the word Cable on the camera logo so it reads Commie News Network. Another man approaches her. He is carrying an AR 15 under one arm, a flamethrower under the other, is wearing a bulletproof vest over which are strapped bandoliers crossing his chest in both directions. He also has several hand grenades hanging from his belt and has a crazed look in his eyes. The newscaster is visibly shaken as this man approaches.
Sir, sir… I mean no harm. I’m just reporting on the events here. Who are you? Would you care to make a comment for our listeners?
You’re damn right I would. This is a total travesty. This fake president with his fake speech… I wasn’t even allowed in the chamber and I’m a member of the House of Representatives.
Would you care to give us your name?
Damn right. I’m Matt Gaetz and I faithfully and honorably represent my great constituents in the great state of Florida. This was supposed to be a joint session of congress, but they wouldn’t even allow me in!
Would you care to explain why you weren’t allowed in?
They claimed that no weapons were allowed in the hall and told me I would only be allowed in if I checked my weapons at the door. It is my god-given right as a white… I mean as a free American to keep and bear arms. It is my freedom of speech.
MITCH McCONNELL comes out. He stands silently with a silly smile on his face. COLLINS turns to McCONNELL.
And we have here the Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Senator McConnell, what are your thoughts on this unprecedented walk out?
Blrrbble ubble gubble mumble bumble.
BERNIE SANDERS comes staggering out rubbing his eyes as if he has just woken up. COLLINS goes rushing up to Sanders.
(loudly) Senator Sanders! Senator Sanders!
Sanders turns towards her with a slightly annoyed look on his face and puts one hand behind his ear.
Senator Sanders, would you care to comment on what has transpired, on this unprecedented walkout by your Republican colleagues?
Well, Kaitlin, all I can say is that this shows once again the need for Medicare for All. Furthermore, I will be sending out an email to my 497 million followers asking them each to contribute two dollars and forty-seven cents. If each of them does so, we will have enough money to completely take over the Democratic Party. As I say, not me, us.
Sanders staggers off. He is followed by Kamala Harris who still has the same smile on her face. She is massaging the muscles along her jaw.
Madame Vice President! Madame Vice President! Would you care to comment on this unusual sequence of events?
(Through gritted teeth as her smile remains.) Not now. I have to go see a massage therapist to unlock my jaw muscles.
She strides off. JOE BIDEN comes out, surrounded by a group of mafia-looking Secret Service agents.
And here comes the president. President Biden! Mr. President! Are you at all disturbed by the fact that nearly the entire Republican delegation walked out of this, your first state of the union address?
(smiling) No, Kaitlin, I am not disturbed at all. These are simply growing pains. I have been doing this for a long time. A long, long, long, long time. A lot longer than any of you at CNN have been around. I know what I’m doing. I am fully confident that I can restore the soul of America. That means first and foremost that we who you out there have placed your trust in by electing us to these important positions, positions of power which we always seek to use that power wisely and I can by my goodwill and knowledge bring out the best in my good friends from across the aisle. On the other hand, we must not rush to judgement and we know that there are several of my colleagues from across the aisle who have also been around for a long time and as we know the longer we men have been around the more frequently we must take a potty break and we must give our Republican colleagues the benefit of the doubt about this. Furthermore, I must stress that several of my Republican colleagues remained in the hall to hear the entirety of the State of the Union address.
Which Republicans remained, sir?
I understand that the honorable senator from Maine, Senator Susan Collins remained. Furthermore, I would point out to you that my good friend from Utah, Senator Mitt Romney, did not walk out.
Yes, but sir, I have it on good authority that Senator Collins was hiding under her desk for the entire time. And as for Senator Romney, he seems to have disappeared entirely. While he was not seen among those who walked out, neither was he seen at his seat. Instead at his seat was a strange body-less suit with a stuffed shirt inside of it.
(still smiling) Kaitlin, we all want what is best for this great country of ours. We Democrats and our friends in the Republican Party will continue working towards that goal, just as we did for the 36 years I was sitting in the Senate back one hundred and eleven…. uh, uh, I mean eleven years ago.
BIDEN wanders around aimlessly until a secret service agent gently takes him by the elbow and guides him. NANCY PELOSI comes striding out.
Madame Speaker of the House! Madame Speaker! Would you comment on what transpired three hours ago when the president started his State of the Union speech?
No, I really have nothing to say at this time except to say that it is a disgrace that the Republicans – with a few honorable exceptions – would behave in this manner. After all, it was just a few short weeks ago that we cooperated so beautifully in passing the Workers and Employers Lost Income Emergency Act. Why should they turn their backs on us now?
Pelosi marches off.
Back at the studio. Four people are seated at a table. Two people are dressed as giant heads – talking heads in other words. One of them has “Kaitlin Collins” pasted on her forehead. The other has “Jake Tapper” on his forehead. They have tiny arms and hands protruding from the side. VAN JONES and RANA FOROOHAR are also seated.
Well, Kaitlin, that was quite an afternoon. First of all, we at CNN apologize to our listeners for the malfunction in our camera that only caught the visual of President Biden speaking but didn’t catch any audio – none of the words of his speech. It seemed it was just his mouth moving, for some strange reason.
Yes, Jake, that certainly was strange, but it wasn’t only CNN. For some strange reason, the same happened with the cameras from every other news channel except for One America News Network – OANN. And for them, all that was audible was the music of Richard Wagner.
In the background “Ride of the Valkyrie” is heard.
Wagner? Wasn’t his music popular among some Nazis?
Yes that is what is so strange. It was also strange that just a few weeks ago the Republicans and Democrats collaborated so smoothly in passing the economic bailout bill – the Workers and Employers Lost Income Emergency Act, although perhaps a little more thought could have been put into its name, whose initials – W.. E.. L..I..E – spell “We lie” and was therefore widely derided.
Yes the name was somewhat unfortunate. And some derided the “emergency” as being purely due to what transpired on January 14, Dr. Martin Luther King’s birthday and a traditional day of remembrance for this leader who preached love and nonviolence…. Just a second, Kaitlin. We are getting a new report that a scant 350 people watched the president’s state of the union address. To what is that low audience being ascribed there in the nation’s capital?
Well, Jake, I asked President Biden’s press secretary, Bill Blabbermouth, about the low ratings. He says there is no lack of interest in what the president has to say. It’s purely a matter of circumstances he said.
Did he specify the circumstances?
Yes, he did. He said that it was due to the 75 million people who have been evicted and the additional 200 million who have had their utilities, including electricity, cut off, thereby rendering some 275 million without access to television.
Thank you, Kaitlin, for that important information and insight. We now turn to CNN news analyst Van Jones for further comment. Van?
Yes, well, I should first of all say that in the midst of this homeless crisis we have been fortunate this year to have faced an extremely mild winter with record warm temperatures throughout the East and MidWest and record low rainfall in the traditionally rainy season on the West Coast of the United States. This has made sleeping under freeway overpasses much more bearable.
Yes, that certainly has made life easier for the millions of newly homeless, as well as those who have been living out of doors for years now. Van, we also have another “record” so to speak. The Republicans and the Democrats set a record for speed of resolving legislative differences when they hammered out their differences over the WE LIE Act in a record 25 minutes and 32 seconds. To what do you attribute that amazing collaboration?
Well, as you know, Jake, there is the conspiracy theory making the rounds that this was done in response to the mass shoplifting event that was carried out on January 14. On that date, millions of lawbreakers, using Martin Luther King’s birthday as an excuse, raided grocery stores and brazenly shoplifted what is estimated as $100 million worth of groceries.
Yes, it really is shocking that they could use the name of a revered American icon, Martin Luther King Jr., to conduct this blatantly lawless action. Dr. King never would have sanctioned such overt violation of the law and disrespect for property rights.
Right, Jake. They even subverted the slogan “every vote counts” into “every stomach counts”. As you know, Jake, there also was some criticism of the passage of the WE LIE Act in that it was perceived as having been passed as a concession to these lawless mobs. In fact, its passage was celebrated in the streets by thousands chanting that “direct action gets the goods.”
We then saw the spectacle of the originators of these events – the radical “Hunger Hundred”, who have been compared to Antifa – being arrested for shoplifting, and then insisting on their right to jury trials. At those trials they claimed that they were exercising their free speech rights and that their free speech message was that – and I quote – “eating is a human right.” Where, in what section of the US Constitution is eating recognized as a right? This was followed by a further breakdown of law and order as one jury after another could not reach a unanimous verdict and every single case against the Hunger Hundred had to be dismissed.
Yes, Van, however despite the criticism, Congress passed and President Biden signed on the very day he was inaugurated the WE LIE Act. This act pays $1000 per week for 30 weeks to every single adult resident in the United States. Of course, some criticized the fact that it pays even more to any corporation which has been harmed by the pandemic, but that allegation has never been proven. So, despite the criticisms, we will see what the estimated $20 trillion price tag has on the overall US economy.
Van, thanks for your input. We now turn to our economic expert, Rana Foroohar. Welcome to CNN’s Newshour. What are your thoughts about this unprecedented spending bill that President Biden signed as his first official action in office?
Well, Jake, we should note that the dollar is already falling against a basket of other currencies, and that will affect US consumers….
Rana… Rana… I hate to interrupt you but we are about to bring you a special report on the opening of the NFL’s Superbowl. We will be back with you at some time in the future. Now on to the Superbowl…
Note: I don’t remember if I wrote this before or after January 6. But it still applies.