politics

A Conversation Among Capitalists

Some of the top candidates:
Image is everything.

NOTE: We understand that some readers took this post seriously. It never occurred to us that that would happen, and we deeply apologize for any confusion we may have created. In the future, if oaklandsocialist publishes such “conversations”, we will make clear from the start that they are fictional. All other posts of oaklandsocialist are carefully researched. We don’t engage in fanciful conspiracy theories or anything of the sort.

Due to our working class roots, Oaklandsocialist has had contact with an individual who works in the serving industry. That individual just today had the “pleasure” of serving drinks and hors d’oeuvres to a small, select group of three gentlemen, all “kingmakers” in the Democratic Party. They had gathered in San Francisco just prior to the upcoming convention of the California Democratic Party, and they met to discuss the state of affairs of the Democrats’ presidential primary race. As these types don’t consider servers as people, they didn’t even pay attention to the fact that our informant was present. Luckily, our informant had the presence of mind to have a tiny recording device hidden away. We will identify the individuals as “Tom”, “Jeffrey” and “Howard”.

Tom: Gentlemen, we really need to discuss the primary race within our party. I don’t need to remind you that we all agree that this discussion is strictly confidential. Without such confidentiality, a frank and clear discussion would not be possible.

First of all, I feel compelled to lay out our position on this race. Yes, we have discussed this before, but we must be sure that nothing has changed. Until this juncture, we have all agreed that Trump has accomplished some excellent achievements, achievements that nobody else would have been able to accomplish. The most obvious is the tax reform. We know that we have accomplished a lot on this through all different administrations, but as we have discussed previously, nobody expected to be able to go so far, so fast. I can’t recall the exact figure, but we know that our profits have increased considerably since that reform…

Jeffrey (interrupting): It was 20%, Tom.

Tom (continuing): Yes, 20%. Thank you, Jeffrey.

Anyway, as I was saying, in reality, the tax measure was almost secondary. Even more significant was the present administration’s roll back of federal regulations. That has opened wonderful, and very profitable opportunities for us.

Such measures, as we know, have caused some of our associates to reconsider their opposition to the president. However, we and many others – the majority, I believe still – still hold to their position. As we know, the president simply is not stable enough to be reliable. And we are also well aware of his close association with our Russian counterparts – a very disreputable lot, indeed.

Then there is the matter of what our newspaper, the Wall St. Journal, used to call the president’s “chaos school of governing.” (I should note that they never use that phrase anymore since they swallowed the Kool Aid and simply went for the immediate bottom line, to the exclusion of all other considerations.) We all know that that is of paramount importance, but we must… I repeat, we must… consider the longer term issues. And the president has proven himself incapable of doing so. Not only that, but he’s removed all those gentlemen that we were so happy to help provide for his administration. Gentlemen such as the generals or our dear friend, Rex.

Now, some may be of the opinion that a shift to our Democratic representatives is too risky at this time, that individuals like Bernie Sanders and – what do they call her? AOK? – that they are simply too influential. However, we here are all of the opinion that these individuals will never be the majority, that we will always retain majority control of our other party, and I think that history bears us out on this. Meanwhile, they are performing yoeman’s service ensuring that something far more dangerous does not develop.

So, we believe on balance that our interests are best served helping ensure that a good, reliable candidate for the Democratic Party is nominated. If it should transpire that Mr. Sanders wins the nomination, and if he still holds to the same dangerous ideas – which may well not be the case – then we can reconsider our options. Meanwhile, I am fairly confident that that situation will not transpire. And if a candidate we prefer is elected, then we all know that not much will be accomplished to roll back the accomplishments of the current president. That even includes if Mr. Sanders achieves the extremely unlikely and becomes the 46th president.

Are we all agreed on that?

Jeffrey and Howard simultaneously: Yes… Most certainly

Jeffrey: Yes, well, Tom (and you, too, Howard), we and our associates were all quite pleased that we succeeded in convincing Joe to throw his hat into the ring. He has truly proven his mettle over the years. And he hasn’t vacillated since entering the race…

Howard: Hold on, you guys. Hold on just one damn second here. You guys know me. I came up from the ranks, and I don’t pull my god damn punches. Joe is a good guy. I like golfing with him. His god damn hair transplant… well, I guess he needed to do it to look young, as damn long as he’s been around. (Howard chuckles here.)And I know he’s trying to stay young for the ladies… even the very young ones. Now, I don’t give a damn what a man does behind closed doors. In fact, I’m fortunate that my doors…. Well, I won’t go any further down that road. But, come on guys – you watch the news just like I do. You see the shit-storm Joe kicked up with his touchy-feely stuff on even the young girls. He swore off it and then just yesterday, here the damn idiot goes out and does the same damn thing! I mean, what the hell is the guy thinking? Or maybe he just can’t help himself. What is the damn guy – seventy something, am I right?

Jeffrey (interrupting): seventy-six

Howard: Yeah, whatever the hell. The fuckin’ guy’s been at it so long that he’s not going to change. And in this day and age, with all that “me too” shit… (Howard is raising his voice here)And another thing: At his age, I just don’t know if he will live another, what is it, six years till the end of the next term? I mean, part of the problem with the present president is that we know damn well that he’s losing his mind. I mean, the damn guy can’t even walk down the stairs alone. Fuck, guys, we can’t have another four years of this shit. And with all those damn kids now raising hell about “socialism”… I mean, goddam, don’t they know a damn thing anymore?

So, while I’m like you… I was very happy that Joe threw his damn hat in the ring after waiting and waffling all that time, but I just don’t know anymore.

Tom: Howard, I must hand it to you, sir. You certainly don’t pull any punches. But I think you may be on to something.

Howard: You goddam right I’m “on to something.”

Tom: Now, hold on a minute, please, Howard. The issue we must consider is: “What are our options,” assuming we are still in agreement that we really do need a change in the White House. So, let us go down the list of the more prominent individuals. First of all, let us consider Mr. O’Rourke…

Jeffrey: Yes, Beto. I actually am somewhat personally familiar with the young man. He cuts a fine figure, you know. Youthful, fine smile, you know. Fine smile. And politically, he appears to be quite reliable. However….

Howard (interrupting): Come off the bullshit, Jeff. (According to our informant, Howard has consumed several scotch and sodas by this time.) A goddam smile – that’s all well and good. Sure, you need that to sell the goddam goods. But have you ever seen him talk? The damn guy jumps up on tables… Do you hear me? He jumps up on the goddam table!… and waffles on flapping his hands all around. Can you imagine what would happen if he fell off the table while he’s running for president? And, anyway, nobody’s going to take him seriously when he’s flapping his arms around like a goddam wounded duck. Nope, young Beto won’t do. Maybe in four or eight years, and after he’s won a major political race, but now? Forget about it.

Tom: Yes, Howard, I am inclined to be of a similar persuasion. Now, next let us consider Senator Klobuchar.

Jeffrey: Yes, well, I have also had the pleasure of being introduced to her. A fine lady. Very fine. Has a nice smile too, you know. However, I am disturbed about the reports that…

Howard (interrupting, again): I know what you’re going to say, and they ain’t no damn “reports”; they are facts. Throwing ashtrays and pens at her aides. You kidding me? Look, I’ve been in some pressure situations. Had to be, fighting my way to where I am today. I’ve put some pressure on some people, but throwing things? Let’s get real here. Can you imagine if we got her the nomination… You know as well as I do that the race puts a lot of stress on them people, and being president even more so, if you’re not like the one we got now, spending all his time down at his damn golf club. Klobuchar? Fuck that shit. Klobuchar is out. Nope. No way.

Tom: Now, next let us consider so called “Mayor Pete”. Now, I am inclined to think…

Howard (interrupting, again): Too damn young. And hasn’t been really tested. Yeah, I know all about that stuff about him being a vet and all, but that’s totally different. That’s like a lineman on my team (here, Howard mentions a football team) being a track star. He can be the best offensive guard or whatever in the damn league, but he won’t be worth a damn running track. Two completely different skill sets. Same with that Bootagig or whatever he’s called. And that’s another issue: A name like that being president? Nope. Worse than Obama. At least people could pronounce his damn name.

Jeffrey: Yes, well – and I’m speaking openly amongst ourselves – in addition I am not sure that the nation, nor the world for that matter, is prepared to accept a president who is gay. I mean, out in the open gay. Leader of some second rate country, yes, maybe. But not the leader of the free world.

Tom: Yes, gentlemen, you all raise genuine concerns. And I must admit that I am inclined to share them with you. However, I am of the opinion…

Howard (who’s now into his third or fourth scotch and soda, and now muttering) “of the opinion… of the opinion” Just say it. “I think.”

Tom (ignoring Howard): Yes, well, I’m inclined to believe that Mr. Buttigieg, while he has his shortcomings, may be acceptable. We must keep in mind, gentlemen, that 2020 is not 2000, that perceptions have changed considerably. And we may have to take certain, shall we say “risks” that we would not have had to take in a previous era. I propose that we keep Mr. Buttigieg in mind as a possible option.

Jeffrey: Yes, Tom, you may have be correct.

Howard: Yeah, yeah. I still don’t like the damn guy, but maybe you got something there.

Tom: Now, next let us consider that fine lady who is from the very state in which we are presently discussing this matter. I am referring to Senator Harris.

Jeffrey: Yes, Kamela. I know her well, since I reside in California. A fine lady. Very fine. I have had the pleasure of collaborating with her on several important issues. However…

Howard (interrupting): Goddam it! Why do we always end up with these strange ones? First we have a president with that weird name – Barack Ogoddambama – for eight years! Eight damn years! Mind you, I don’t give a shit about somebody’s name, tell you the truth. And he did a fine job for us. Smart as a whip, too. But we’re talking about America here! America, I say! What does it say to people when we can have a damn president running around the world representing our nation, the leader of the free world like you guys say, with a name like that? We all know damn well that image is everything. That’s how you sell all the shit you sell, Tom, and you know it. Now, let’s be blunt here, folks: Lot’s of the black people here in our country don’t mind his name. Like it, in fact. Some whites, too, truth be told. But how have we come to this sorry state? Why can’t we just have some regular Tom, Dick, or Harry… or even a Mary or Susan? We all know that a name means everything. It’s part of the image. You think I’m bullshitting? Why, Tom, did you spend – how much was it – on consultants to test out names for ____ (Here Howard names a new product on the market) before you went to market with it?

Not saying anything against Obama as a president. He did a fine job, everything considered, but really…

Then, after him we get this guy with the weird hairdo who can’t get a full sentence out of his mouth. The guy who tells stupid lies every other tweet. I mean, if you’re going to lie, at least don’t get caught all the time! Am I right?

And now you want a woman, and a black one no less, with a name like “Kamela”? I mean, it’s not as bad as Barack Obama, but why can’t we do better than that?

There’s an extended pause in the conversation here.

Howard (continuing in a more subdued tone): Well, I get pissed off, but I gotta admit that she is fairly reliable. The woman has a good head on her shoulders. And she’s a lot more presentable than a lot of others I’ve seen, including Hillary and Joe. I mean, Joe with his hair implants….

Tom: So are we agreed, gentlemen, that Senator Harris might be another possibility?

Jeffrey: Yes, a definite possibility.

Howard: Shows the sorry state of affairs we’ve come to. An old coot who can’t keep his hands off the little girls, a guy married to another guy, and a black female with another strange name.

Tom: Well, gentlemen, I think we should discuss again at the conclusion of this weekend. Meanwhile, I understand some – shall we say “entertainment”? – awaits us in the hospitality suite.

At this point, our informant was called away.

And if you, the reader, want to believe this is the literal truth, that is up to you. On the other hand, if you believe that it merely could be the truth, that somewhere some king-makers are having similar conversations, that is also up to you. And if you enjoyed reading this alleged conversation, you might also enjoy this conversation of two top union leaders that we “overheardsome years ago.

Some of the top candidates:
Image is everything.

Categories: politics, United States

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